Thinking aloud

Hi there

Leonie here. Writing from a hotel near Bayreuth, where Markus graciously sent me to just "breathe again".
The past few weeks having been busy and the weather being less than seasonal, meant I was starting to feel increasingly miserable due to a combination of exhaustion and lack of any time to myself. Therefore (Rebekah's favorite word :)) I am here with Timothy to recharge my batteries a little and allow him to get back into his routine too!
It also means tha Markus, with some help from my mom, is home alone with our three little girls. Not an easy job, a sacrifice for sure, but one he'll do brilliantly :)

On the 2 hour drive over here, I was pondering motherhood and thought I'd let you glimpse my thoughts. I feel obliged to offer a health warning at this juncture: some of what you might read may not be pretty, it is honest and a work in progress!

So, what's it like being a mom? Honestly, it's excruciating!
It's that same intense emotional ride of being in love (Does he like me? Am I ... enough? Can I ever be worthy? Does anyone else see his brilliance as clearly as I do?) but multiplied by the number of children you have and then some more added.
And beyond the emotion is the knowledge that you can massively impact someone's life, daily, hourly and more.
Then there is the desire for that influence, the wish of drawing out of our children the very essence of their being and helping make their brilliance visible.
And the hope. Hope for their futures and our shared future. That the path will be just rough enough to encourage dependance on God on the one hand and nurture independence in their thoughts and actions on the other.
The self doubt and questioning is enough to drive one insane too! Constantly wondering whether we as parents are teaching the right lessons, imparting the right values, fighting only the necessary battles.
Which brings me to the last thought I had before my brain exploded on the windshield: being a mom might be compared to choosing boxing as a career, there are constant battles to be fought to train our children's minds and attitudes, but with 4 children, it seems rather relentless with very little time to train or rest in between "fights".

For those of you who would like to pray for me/us, some of the battles we are waging at the moment are:
Finding time as a couple when there is just so much to do!
Elia is making some bad choices regarding her behavior towards her sisters and friends. We are powerless in many ways to change those choices. We don't want to modify her behavior in the short term, rather equip and encourage her toward long term change. A challenge for many adults -and she's only 6!
Sarah is regressing into behaviors we haven't seen for a while. We don't know why or how best to respond, but I'm pretty sure that responding in the irritation I feel, is not helpful for anyone!
Rebekah is suddenly very boisterous and manic. She's always been loud and lively, but I sense there is more to this.
And perhaps the thing I need most, is to examine everything a bit less and trust God more? But a very real part of my design/ nature, is to examine/ question. In a sense I feel like an unexamined life is a bit less meaningful. I guess I need some balance!

I've certainly enjoyed thinking these thoughts aloud with you. Hope you've not been too disturbed by reading them :)

Till next time
Leonie